Awake.

Not 100% what is keeping me awake tonight. Usually I can pinpoint the source of anxiety or thought-producing mental parasite that won't allow me to sleep, but not tonight.

No, tonight I am just awake. Thinking about everything I did and said today. 

Sometimes I think I am the only person who dissects their transcript of their day when they lay down. Or reads through lengthy text message conversations to make sure I didn't mess up somewhere. 

So this keeps me up. I evaluate the relationships I am in. I see if I am indeed in good standing with all of them. Is there anywhere that I need to do damage control? Did my overwhelming personality do more harm than good today? Questions like that plague my mind sometimes.

Call it being neurotic or insecure or whatever, but that's my mind. I will admit that I overthink everything like crazy. 

I need to just accept that people love me more. Stop trying to constantly prove to myself that they love me. Stop trying to force relationships to work and just let them work. 

I want to be so honest and open with people. Even to a fault I feel like sometimes. Is it OK to be straightforward all the time? Just lay it all out there with those in your "inner circle"? The people you talk to and interact with the most? I think so. 

So now I write this at 3.30am feeling some solace from reading all that I have just wrote. A sense of peace from God that yes I have some great people in my life. Yes, today was a good day and that I can rest knowing that I'm not perfect, but I'm not as jacked up as I make myself out to be in my head. 

This is my therapy. If it's too much honesty or too much open-ness, I would invite you to leave and delete the URL from your history as I can imagine as this blog matures, it will only get more so.

So goodnight, good morning or good afternoon to you, depending on when this blog finds you reading it. 

[CG]